Category: Personal

Comment trouver son bonheur et sa raison d’être ? Comment trouver sa voie dans la vie et s’épanouir ? Découvrez les astuces pour trouver sa vocation et enfin être heureux ! Le bonheur n’attend pas et c’est au quotidien que l’on doit mettre en place des actions pour trouver sa voie et trouver son bonheur ! Trouver son épanouissement ne doit pas uniquement se baser sur la réussite financière mais avoir un projet que l’on fait en respectant ses valeurs !

Pour changer son destin et vivre la vie que tu rêves il est important que tu sois accompagné(e) et surtout que tu aies les techniques concrètes à appliquer au quotidien. La plupart des personnes refusent de sortir de leur zone de confort et ne veulent surtout pas changer leur habitudes. La peur du changement, la pression sociale. Il y a tout un tas d’explications qui poussent à ne pas agir. La solution se trouve à l’intérieur de toi.

La confiance en soi se travaille au quotidien avec les bonnes actions et je vous accompagne avec mon équipe pour vous livrer mes secrets. C’est plusieurs dizaines de milliers de personnes que j’ai accompagnées personnellement et plusieurs millions au travers de mes vidéos YouTube.

Alex Cormont
Ton coach pour ne pas attendre après le bonheur

Aujourd’hui, j’ai pensé vous offrir un cadeau pour vous aider à faire une profonde réflexion très intériorisée et observer où vous en êtes dans votre vie en lien avec votre histoire et ce qui vous a fait mal et a encore ses effets aujourd’hui et que faire pour en sortir.

Vous êtes plusieurs à me confier que ce n’est pas toujours facile en amour, dans la relation intime avec vous-même et l’autre, dans l’expression de votre féminité (et même de votre masculinité messieurs). Je vous donc ce cadeau, soit un extrait de la formation si touchante et transformatrice intitulée « Du féminin blessé à la liberté intérieure »

Présentation de la vidéo que vous retrouvez ici : J’y explique pourquoi c’est si important de savoir comment identifier ce qui a blessé le féminin en soi (on a tous cette dimension intérieure, que l’on soit homme ou femme).

Pas besoin d’avoir grandi dans un milieu violent pour se sentir blessée dans sa féminité, il y a tant de raisons. Par exemple, si les parents manquaient d’outils, ça nous a affecté aussi, et ce sans jugement. Le mal de ne pas vous être sentie écoutée ou aimée vous a possiblement affectée au fil des ans et c’est peut-être difficile en relation aussi.

La petite fille a besoin d’être reconnue par son père sinon, elle cherchera ce repère au fil des ans et dans sa vie adulte, mais tant qu’elle ne sait pas comment décoder ce vide, elle recherchera le même modèle même si c’est limitatif (exemple père qui ne parle pas ou agressif, conjoint similaire).

Ses relations risqueront d’être décevantes et la dépendance affective pourra l’envahir. Ce n’est pas un épanouissement féminin libre et assumé dans ce temps-là malheureusement et ça mal. La dépendance, le mal-être en soi naissent des manques d’amour. Mon livre « Se libérer de la dépendance affective. Comment aimer sans se perdre » pourra aussi vous aider.

Il est disponible sur mon site internet en cliquant ici. On doit apprendre à écouter nos réels besoins intérieurs, affectifs et les combler. J’ai personnellement eu à faire cette grande introspection pour me libérer de grandes blessures en lien avec ma féminin.

C’est pourquoi je peux aider des personnes comme vous et vous comprendre efficacement, en plus des mes formations et expérience depuis si longtemps, en tant que conférencière, formatrice dans le domaine du mieux-être et de la réalisation de soi avec joie, et coach PNL certifiée, le tout inspiré de ma propre histoire.

Cette vidéo vous propose les outils pour être en mesure de reprendre tellement plus de pouvoir personnel en tant que femme et ressentir plus de liberté intérieure et de relâchement de ces tensions.

Vous pourrez ressentir de plus en plus de sérénité, de joie, de renaissance heureuse en étant en action avec les outils de cette formation. Un accompagnement pour être encore plus rayonnante, libre, assumée avec joie, amour et sécurité intérieure sans la peur d’être vous-même enfin. Bienvenue.

Cliquez ici pour en savoir plus.  Vous pourrez ressentir de plus en plus de sérénité, de joie, de renaissance heureuse en étant en action avec les outils de cette formation. Un accompagnement pour être encore plus sereine, apaisée, inspirée, rayonnante, libre, assumée, dans l’amour de vous, la sécurité intérieure et la joie, sans la peur d’être vous-même enfin. Bienvenue.

 IMPORTANT : COACHING INDIVIDUEL Je peux aussi vous aider en coaching PNL en ligne, à harmoniser des choses dans votre vie avec rapidité et profondeur.

Cliquez ici pour en savoir plus. Vous pouvez en réserver un maintenant ou un forfait de 3, et les prendre plus tard sans problème en les répartissant dans le temps. Merci de votre précieuse confiance au fil des ans les amis. Je suis profondément choyée de partager avec vous depuis si longtemps.

*** A noter que si vous n’êtes pas encore sur ma page Facebook professionnelle, je vous y invite, car je publie différents ressourcements tous les jours. Cliquez ici pour nous rejoindre Même chose pour ma chaine You Tube, abonnez-vous pour en profiter au maximum, car il y a des centaines de vidéos. 

Bon visionnement de cet extrait qui peut vous mener sur la vie d’une profonde transformation intérieure dans la relation à vous-même et avec l’autre dans la pleine expression de votre féminité, en terme d’état d’être.

Du féminin blessé à la liberté intérieure – À la rencontre de votre énergie amoureuse et sensuelle (Formation en ligne)

Une enquête étonnante au cœur d’un sujet qui fait débat ; la chance ! Peut-elle être influençable ? Peut-on attirer la chance ?

Un auteur et conférencier, Didier Pénissard a réalisé une investigation de plusieurs années sur le gens chanceux et malchanceux (pour plus d’objectivité). Or, son constat a été une grande surprise. Il affirme qu’il existe bel et bien des individus qui ont la capacité d’attirer les ennuis et la malchance de manière quasi systématique. Mais en même temps, d’autres personnes semblent réellement attirer la chance et la bonne fortune, comme on dit.

Seconde surprise, l’auteur de cette enquête sur les gens chanceux découvre qu’un autre enquêteur avait fait la même démarche aux USA. Ils se sont confrontés dans leur analyses et leurs conclusions. Aussi étonnant que cela puisse être, les deux enquêteurs de la chance ont pu constater une étonnante et incroyable cohérence dans les réponses des intéressés.

Il en ressort que la chance et la malchance obéissent à certaines lois qui dépassent celles du simple hasard. Mais pas seulement ! Car ils n’étaient pas au bout de leurs surprises en découvrant que les personnes chanceuses adoptent des attitudes, des comportements, des réactions face aux divers situations de la vie.

Concrètement, ces personnes adoptent 7 principes de vie. Et n’allez pas croire qu’il s’agisse de pensée positive ou encore de loi d’attraction. Au contraire, les personnes qui attirent la chance ont une tendance à être pessimiste. Mais pas au sens où on l’entend ordinairement. Elle sont des pessimistes raisonnées ; ce qui signifie qu’elle envisage toujours un plan au cas où cela tourne mal.

A contrario, l’enquête a révélé que les personnes qui s’attirent la malchance ont une tendance à faire confiance en leur destin et ne prévoient donc jamais de mesure de replis. Un autre constat est que la chance est comme une forme d’énergie qui peut circuler dans votre vie si vous lui laissez une part de hasard d’environ 20%.

En clair, la chance a besoin que vous acceptiez une part non négligeable de liberté hasardeuse. Inversement, les sujets malchanceux ont une tendance lourde à vouloir tout maîtriser et tout régenter dans leur vie. Or, les travaux d’un scientifique Hans Bender avait quelques années auparavant fait le constat dans son laboratoire d’état pour des recherches psi, que le hasard possède des zone de fragilités ; et qu’il est possible sous certaines conditions d’influencer ce dernier avec des appareils de variation aléatoire de hasard avec la pensée. Le résultat est reproductible à volonté et fonctionne. des personnes lambda parviennent à influencer le sens d’allumage des diodes de lumière avec la simple volonté mental.

Il est est de même pour attirer la chance. En effet, ces zones de fragilités peuvent donc être influencées. C’est toute la démarche passionnante que nous convie cette enquête dans une milieu que personnes, jusqu’ici, n’avait voulu s’y engager.

Pour en savoir plus sur le fruit de cette étude, découvrir l’étude « les Secrets des gens Chanceux » de l’auteur.

Mais t’es qui toi ? Tu te prends pour qui ? | Entrevue Professionnelle 14 Des remarques trop souvent dites ou ressenties par les porteurs de projet, les « nouveaux » , ceux qui démarrent ou même qui évoquent simplement leur rêve. Foncez, entourez vous de positif ++++ Je vous explique dans cette vidéo le pourquoi de ces remarques et comment y faire face. Pour ne rien rater de mon actualité abonnez vous à la chaine et inscrivez vous à ma newsletter : https://audreytrad.com/newsletter/

This post is for anyone who stresses themselves out trying to control life. Which I’m guessing means it’s for most people.

It’s easy to convince ourselves we have power over things we don’t—as if we can force people and situations to go our way simply by trying or pushing harder.

The world would feel a lot safer if this were true. If people did what we thought was best, situations worked out as we believed they should, and nothing challenging or painful ever caught us off guard.

But some things are simply uncontrollable, and it’s exhausting and futile to obsess over them—not to mention disempowering, since we can’t control what’s in our power when we’re fixated on things that aren’t.

As a recovering control freak, I know this all too well. I also know how scary it is to let go and trust that things will somehow be okay, or that I can handle it if things fall apart.

These days I try to focus more on the latter, since that’s something I can control. I can’t control what’s coming, but I can control whether I feel strong enough to cope with it, and even make the best of it.

This is a big part of why I created Tiny Buddha’s Inner Strength Journal, and it’s why I decided to create this list including fifteen things we can’t control, what we can control instead, of what, specifically, we can do to own our power.

Since I think these are reminders that we all need often, I’ve created an abridged two-page PDF that you can print and hang for daily reference, along with a worksheet to help you let of control. You can access them both here.

1. You can’t control: What other people do.

You can control: Whether you participate in their behavior or enable them.

Some specific things you can do: Trust other people to make their own decisions and accept that you’re not responsible for their choices or the consequences of their actions. Consider that their choices and outcomes are somehow necessary for their growth. Recognize that you can accept their behavior without condoning it, participating in it, or enabling it. And set boundaries if their actions are hurtful to your physical, emotional, or mental health.

2. You can’t control: How other people see you.

You can control: How you show up in your relationships and how you see yourself.

Some specific things you can do: Make a list of traits you’d like to embody in your relationships—kindness, honesty, or integrity, for example—and check in with yourself throughout the day to ensure you’re being the kind of person you want to be. Take a little time every night to reflect on everything you did that day that made you proud.

3. You can’t control: How other people treat you.

You can control: How you internalize and respond to their treatment.

Some specific things you can do: Recognize that their behavior isn’t personal; it’s more about them and their own pain and limitations than you. Communicate how their behavior affects you, set boundaries around what you will and will not accept, and plan what you’ll do to enforce those boundaries and what you’ll do if someone crosses them. If the other person regularly treats you with callousness or disrespect, create distance in a relationship or end it altogether.

4. You can’t control: Whether other people like you.

You can control: How true you are to yourself.

Some specific things you can do: Remind yourself that no one is liked by everyone and that you don’t have to win anyone’s approval. You just need to be yourself so you can find likeminded people—people who accept and appreciate you just as you are. Also, list what it means to you to be true to yourself and check in with yourself regularly to see if you’re adhering to your list.

5. You can’t control: What other people think, feel, and believe.

You can control: How you engage about your different opinions, feelings, and beliefs.

Some specific things you can do: Set boundaries around conversations (which topics you won’t discuss, or what you’ll do to stay calm when hot button issues come up). Remind yourself that it’s not your job to change people’s minds. Look for common ground—something you can both agree on, even if you think differently. And remember that you don’t need to see eye-to-eye on everything to have a strong relationship; you just need to respect each other.

6. You can’t control: How other people internalize things you say and do.

You can control: Your intentions and how you respond when you unintentionally hurt someone.

Some specific things you can do: Communicate how you feel if you fear you’ve upset someone and clarify your intentions if you think there’s been a misunderstanding. Also, trust that other people will tell you if they’re upset, and recognize it’s not your job to read their minds if they don’t speak up.

7. You can’t control: What happens to other people.

You can control: How you show up for them when things get hard.

Some specific things you can do: Acknowledge that struggles help us develop strengths and can lead to pride and purpose, so you don’t need to shelter anyone from pain. When they’re hurting, hold space for them instead of trying to save or fix them, and let them know you’re there, you care, and you want to help however you can.

8. You can’t control: Your thoughts and feelings.

You can control: Whether you attach to them, identify with them, or act on them.

Some specific things you can do: Accept that thoughts and feelings come and go, and they are never permanent. They also don’t mean anything about you as a person. Also, practice pausing before acting on a thought or feeling so you can respond from a place of calmness and clarity.

9. You can’t control: The things that have already happened.

You can control: What you do in the present.

Some specific things you can do: Note what you’ve learned from the things you wish you could change so you can do things differently going forward, starting now. Reframe the past to find the good in what happened. Make amends if you’ve hurt someone or write a letter (to send or not) to someone who hurt so you can work toward forgiveness.

10. You can’t control: Everything that’s going to happen.

You can control: How you strengthen yourself to handle the unknown.

Some specific things you can do: Schedule in your daily to-do list at least one activity to boost your mental and emotional health—like meditating, journaling, and connecting with your support system—so you feel capable of handling whatever comes at you. Tiny Buddha’s Inner Strength Journal offers a wide array of prompts, challenges, and exercises to help with this!

11. You can’t control: The outcome of anything you do.

You can control: Your efforts.

Some specific things you can do: Put in the time for anything that matters to you, even if it’s just a little every day. Focus on progress, not perfection, so you don’t end up feeling paralyzed. Lastly, remind yourself that you can only do your best, and your best is good enough; and that even if things don’t turn out as you hope, something good can come from the experience.

12. You can’t control: Your body aging.

You can control: How well you take care of your body and how you think about it.

Some specific things you can do: Prioritize sleep, drink water daily, eat a moderate, mostly unprocessed diet, and move your body a little every day. Focus on how well your body serves you and how it enables you to do things you enjoy. And remember aging is far better than the alternative—and as the saying goes, “a privilege denied to many.”

13. You can’t control: All aspect of your health.

You can control: The preventative health measures you take.

Some specific things you can do: Stay on top of doctor’s appointments and schedule an appointment if ever anything concerns you—don’t wait. Prioritize rest instead of pushing yourself to always be productive. Minimize exposure to toxins, quit smoking if you’re a smoker, and wear sunscreen regularly.

14. You can’t control: The inevitability of you getting hurt.

You can control: How you treat yourself when you’re hurting.

Some specific things you can do: Remind yourself that there’s no way to avoid pain because the act of avoiding itself is painful. Practice sitting with your pain instead of numbing it with substances or addictive behaviors. Talk to yourself as you’d talk to someone you love when they’re hurting, and practice looking for the gains in losses so that every challenge and setback feels meaningful.

15. You can’t control: The fact that there’s suffering in the world.

You can control: Whether you contribute to it or help alleviate it.

Some specific things you can do: Work toward healing your own pain (since hurt people hurt people). Speak up for those who can’t speak for themselves. When you see someone hurting, offer your non-judgmental presence and ask how you can help. Commit small acts of kindness every day. Lastly, donate your time, money, or resources to causes you’re passionate about.

—

I hope these reminders help you as much as they’re helping me! You can access the abridged printable list and Letting Go of Control worksheet here.

Also, just a reminder: For a limited time, you can get a free 318-page eBook—Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Overcoming Hard Times—when you preorder Tiny Buddha’s Inner Strength Journal through one of the vendors listed here.

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“You create your future based on your energy in the present.” ~Unknown

I’m usually a pretty happy person, but about a year ago—perhaps due to a lack of social connections and laughter—I experienced a few dark months. During those months, I spent most of my waking hours (and probably nights as well) consumed with negative thoughts.

I woke up feeling angry in the morning, continued having negative thoughts most of the day, and went to bed in that same state of mind.

Luckily, I didn’t have many opportunities to spread my negativity to others because we were in confinement.

On one of those moody mornings, I played a video of a spiritual teacher that a friend had recommended listening to while getting ready for the day.

Halfway through the video, he said, “Humanity is ascending into more loving and conscious states of being. You are becoming more of who you truly are, which is love.”

At that moment, I caught my eyes in the mirror and stared at my unhappy face.

“I’m not ascending. I’m descending further and further into the ‘hell’ in my own mind.”

My negativity was eating me alive, but, strangely, it was so addictive.

Since it had been escalating for some time (a few months by then) and had acquired a good bit of momentum, I really didn’t know if I’d be able to shift all that negativity into a more positive state of being. I knew that the longer I waited, though, the harder it would be.

Still looking at my face in the mirror, I noticed the corners of my mouth pointing slightly downward.

“If I continue like that, I’m going to get grumpy face wrinkles.”

I made my bed and then went to the kitchen. As the coffee was brewing, I grabbed my laptop and Googled “how to be a more positive person,” and I scribbled down a few ideas that resonated with me.

Later that day, after mixing and matching advice from different articles, I created what I called my “emotional hygiene routine.”

It’s a series of simple habits that I committed to doing most days of the week for an entire month (and still continue to do today on most days) and that, over that month, took me out of my depressive state and made me wake up smiling in the morning again.

I’d like to share them with you.

1. Fall asleep in the “vortex.”

One idea I came across in my research on being more positive came from Abraham Hicks:

“If you go to sleep in the vortex, you wake up in the vortex. If you go to sleep not in the vortex, you wake up not in the vortex.”

Being in the “vortex” refers to a state of pure positive energy. The idea in that quote is pretty straightforward: go to bed thinking positive thoughts and feeling happy feelings, and you’re more likely to wake up thinking and feeling positive in the morning.

I knew this had to be true. I knew it because when I went to bed thinking angry thoughts, I usually dreamed that I was unhappy and then woke up grumpy (and exhausted) in the morning.

So, I decided to try something. As I closed my eyes to sleep at night, I scanned the day from the moment I woke up until the present moment when I was lying in bed, and I tried to recall all the positive things (even tiny things) that had happened that day.

I could have thought about the delicious mocha latte that I drank that morning, the fact there wasn’t snow on the ground and that I was able to run outside in the afternoon, or a nice comment someone left on one of my videos.

I spent a few seconds remembering a happy moment before moving on to the next one. After scanning the entire day, I would do it again, trying to find even more subtle positive things, and I did this until I fell asleep.

This exercise is probably the number one thing that helped me (and still continues to help me) wake up happier in the morning.

2. Have something to look forward to on the following day.

Something else that has helped me wake up happier is having something to look forward to every day, even if I have a busy day ahead and have minimal free time available.

Still to this day, every evening, I schedule at least one activity that brings me joy for the following day. It can be going for a walk with a friend, baking cookies, or watching the sunset. It can also be as simple as wearing my favorite outfit.

Scheduling one activity that brings me joy for the following day gives my mind something fun to anticipate and puts me in a good mood in the evening.

And again, how the day ends is a good indicator of how the following day begins.

3. Absorb uplifting ideas in the evening.

We all know that what we feed our minds affects our mood. I don’t have a TV and don’t follow the news, but my Facebook feed is often enough to get me irritated. So, I decided to stop scrolling mindlessly on Facebook (or at least do so less often) and consume positive-only content instead.

For the past few months, first thing in the morning and before going to bed, I’ve been reading a few pages of an inspiring book—usually something spiritual. I just finished reading the entire Earth Life book series by Sanaya Roman, and right now, I’m reading Wishes Fulfilled by Wayne Dyer.

Reading those kinds of books brings me peace. I can notice a significant difference in my mood and stress level if I just take even fifteen minutes to consume uplifting content in the morning and evening.

(If you have any book recommendations, you can share them in the comments.)

4. Make a gratitude list—with a twist.

After reading in the morning, I write down three to five things I’m grateful for—and why I appreciate each thing.

I used to write gratitude lists of fifteen-plus items and do it very quickly—almost mindlessly—just to “get it done.” It made the practice sort of mechanical and not very effective.

I’ve found that writing fewer items on my list and taking the time to dive into the reasons each thing makes me happy intensifies the feelings of gratitude and makes the exercise more profound. I try to do this daily, although I do forget sometimes. When I forget several days in a row, I can feel the difference in my general mood.

Gratitude is perhaps the lowest-hanging fruit for cultivating a more positive attitude.

5. Choose your state of being as you open your eyes.

The last thing that has helped me is a piece of advice from brain scientist Daniel Amen. In an interview on The School of Greatness Podcast, he talked about the importance of setting a positive intention from the very start of the day to cultivate what he calls “a positivity bias.”

An affirmation he uses himself and recommends using is: “Today is going to be a great day.”

When we tell ourselves this in the morning, our unconscious mind then looks for things that are going right to prove that this is true. This isn’t toxic positivity—ignoring or denying the negative. It’s training our brains to see what’s positive instead of focusing on the negative by default.

I’ve taken the habit of saying this affirmation (or a similar one) just after waking up and before opening my eyes in the morning. It’s a bit like choosing and declaring from the very start of the day what attitude you’ll adopt that day. It’s easy to do, and it sets the tone for the day.

In the beginning, I didn’t always remember to declare my intention until later in the morning, but it didn’t take long before it became automatic. Now, just remembering to think about my intention (and then mentally saying it) makes me smile as I wake up.

. . .

Our lives don’t need to be perfect to wake up smiling in the morning; they just require a conscious effort to develop a positive attitude, which is what the five habits in this article have helped me accomplish.

I hope they serve you well, too, if you choose to implement them.

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“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” ~African Proverb

It is just past ten in the morning on a Tuesday.

My wet boardshorts and blue tank top are drying at lightning speed in the sweltering South Indian sun.

I am feeling alive and exhilarated after my surf session in the surreal blue, bathtub-warm Arabian Sea.

Surfing waves consistently has been my goal for the past two years, and I’m doing it. Which is pretty awesome considering that I never thought I would surf again.

The trauma and fear from a surfing accident ten years ago, that nearly knocked my teeth out, was still lodged in my body for years, and my life’s focus had shifted from sports to yoga.

When I landed in Kerala, India, my intention was to do an intensive period of study with my Ashtanga yoga teacher for ten weeks and then return to Rishikesh in Northern India, where I had been basing myself.

A chance invitation brought me to the coastal town I have been living in for the past two-plus years because of the pandemic.

And it just so happens there is good surf here.

My reentry into surfing has been slow and steady.

For my fiftieth birthday present I gave myself ten surf lessons.

I decided I needed to start off as a beginner and took basic lessons to ease myself back into things and get comfortable back on a surfboard.

An Indian man in his mid-thirties who was in my surf class asked, “How old are you?”

“Fifty,” I replied.

“I hope I am still surfing at your age,” he said back.

I think he maybe meant this as a compliment, but I took it self-consciously and wondered why it mattered what my age was.

It is now two years later.

I have slowly gone from a beginner to an intermediate surfer.

As I sipped a hot chai out of a dixie cup on the side of a busy fishing village road, after my morning surf, an older Indian gentleman with grey hair asked me, “What is your age?”

“Fifty-two,” I replied.

His jaw dropped and he said, “I thought you were seventy. You have really bad skin.”

Yes, this really happened.

And it has happened more than once.

Every time it’s happened, I have allowed it to knock the wind out of my sails.

Wow, I think, how is it even possible that I look seventy years old when I feel better than when I was twenty-one?

In all honesty, good skin genetics are not in my favor. Coupled with my love of the sun and spending most of my life outside, it has left me with the skin of an alligator.

I lied about my age up until my mid-forties.

On my forty-sixth birthday, I told a woman who asked about my age that I was forty. She laughed and asked if I was sixty.

But this chai-guy encounter sparked me to lie in the other direction.

What if I start telling these men I am eighty-five? I thought to myself as I drove my Mahindra scooter away from the chai shop. This idea made me smile, and I immediately felt more empowered.

Instead of feeling ashamed of my skin, I decided to hand it right back to them.

I no longer care what they or you think about how I look, and I put zero energy into my appearance.

It doesn’t matter to me because inside I feel amazing.

I practice the whole of Ashtanga yoga’s challenging intermediate series six days a week, which is something I never in my wildest dreams thought would be possible in my forties, and I surf every day.

The young twenty-something Indian surf guys are now giving me fist pumps and saying, “You are really surfing and catching some big waves now!”

And they have stopped asking about my age.

I felt called to share this story because it made me wonder: Why are we not allowed to age?

Why is it an embarrassment to have old-looking skin?

Why can’t I have wrinkles and grey hair and own it?

This is what the body does.

It ages.

So then why are we not meant to look our age? Or in my case even older!

I have decided to take a stand and turn the tides.

I am claiming my age and my place in the surf line and voicing my truth.

We are allowed to age.

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“It’s okay to let go of those who couldn’t love you. Those who didn’t know how to. Those who failed to even try. It’s okay to outgrow them, because that means you filled the empty space in you with self-love instead. You’re outgrowing them because you’re growing into you. And that’s more than okay, that’s something to celebrate.” ~Angelica Moone

I thought I had married the love of my life. I had never felt a connection so strong before. I was sure he was my soul mate, and I thoroughly believed he was my twin flame—my one and only.

I can’t even begin to tell you the horror that started to unfold after we got married. The accusations that my beloved other started to hurtle at me. That I didn’t care about him and I didn’t love him enough. He was convinced I was having affairs behind his back, and conspiring against him, and was clearly out to take his money.

I was not just perplexed by this, I was shattered. How could he not see that I loved him unwaveringly, without question, and that I never even considered having eyes for anyone else? And trying to take his money? That was incredibly bizarre because I discovered, contrary to his initial proclamations, that he hardly had any.

Yet I didn’t care. I loved him. I tried to love him, and I was convinced that my love would be enough—that he would know that I loved him, and we would soon return to the comfort and the knowing that our love for each other was real, safe, and forever.

No matter how much I tried to love him, things were spiraling out of control. I couldn’t be five minutes late from the supermarket without suffering his wrath. Life outside of “us” was getting smaller and smaller.

If I looked out the window, I was thinking the wrong thing or looking at something the wrong way. If I didn’t take his hand when we were together, I was advertising that I was single. Visiting friends or family or working outside of the property became as possible as flying to the moon.

Eventually it happened: I stopped trying to love us back to unity and fought back. Initially to try to stop the despair that he didn’t trust me, then for my literal sanity, freedom, and autonomy. Without these things I was losing my soul.

None of it worked. As my attachment to him became more panicked and devastated and I was losing control of my reactions, his abuse accelerated, and then I realized I was coming close to losing my life.

I had complicated post-traumatic stress disorder. I shook. I sweat. I couldn’t eat. I could barely sleep. Everything and everyone I cared about was turning away from me.

I had married a narcissist. I didn’t realize it at first, because back then, fifteen years ago, not many people were talking about narcissism.

I had always believed that narcissists were arrogant people who were “up on themselves.” I had no idea that they were people who presented in our lives offering the love, total acceptance, validation, and “life” that we thought we had wanted our entire life. I had no idea that someone like this could enter my life and they would feel so right to fall in love with.

The day that the word “narcissist” popped into my head, and I googled it, I nearly fell off my chair. I was ticking every point that was so “him” off a list of traits and behaviors. I was in shock.

Entitled—tick. Can’t take personal responsibility for wrongdoings—tick. Has hair-trigger reactions to things that most adults don’t get bent out of shape about—tick. Argues in circles in ways that make your head spin—tick. Pathologically lies while looking you straight in the eye—tick … and on and on the list went. I needed to get to the punch line: Could a person like this be fixed? Could they get well from this disease?

I searched high and low; I turned over every possibility and read all the research I could find. The answer was a flat “no.” Then, believing there is always a solution, I was determined to heal him, to fix our marriage, to return to the dream of the “one and only” that I just knew he must have been.

It didn’t turn out well. In fact, it turned out terribly. Now I was experiencing things I never believed I could or would: Mental and emotional abuse that had me curled up in a corner. Physical abuse that had me fearing for my life. Financial abuse that was ripping my life to shreds. At times, for self-preservation, I had to escape. Eventually, I left him and relocated.

But I wasn’t getting better away from him. I was totally unprepared for feeling so haunted. By the fact that he was in the home I had bought, seeing other women and seemingly having a great life while I was so empty, devastated, and traumatized that it hurt to breathe, it hurt to live, and I thought that I was going to die.

I returned to him countless times. Either because he would contact me and promise to change, or I missed him so much I couldn’t function.

Every time I returned, it got worse. The makeup periods were briefer, and the explosions more damaging and horrifying. Then, I broke. I had a complete psychotic and adrenal breakdown. I was told I would never heal from it and would need three anti-psychotics to be able to function, but I would never be the same again. I was told I now had permanent brain and nervous system damage.

Of course, he didn’t care. He did what he had always done when I needed him—he discarded me. It was then that I decided to die. So, I started trying to formulate how to do this in the kindest way for my family and son.

However, my soul had a different idea for me. A voice in my head kept insisting, “No, there is another way.” I thought it was just my madness speaking. I argued with it, but it wouldn’t let up. In desperation I walked into my bathroom, fell on the mat, put my hands in the air, and shrieked, “Help me, I can’t do this anymore!”

In that moment the most incredible thing happened. It was like my head parted and the blinding truth entered me. I had never known such clarity in my entire life. Maybe you have to be “out of your mind” to really know the truth?

The voice in my head told me that my husband was a catalyst. He was never meant to grant me my “self” and my “life”; rather he had come into my life to show me the parts of myself that were unhealed, that I hadn’t healed yet, to generate my true self and true life.

A whirl of incidents and truths flashed into my mind. The ways I was so hard on myself and was always needing more, saying to myself, “Melanie, I can’t even like you (let alone love you) if you don’t get your to-do list all done, if you don’t lose ten pounds, if you don’t look like this or that … “ and how he had treated me the same—as not good enough, right, or acceptable.

How I had always kept busy rather than “be” with myself, care, validate, and love myself. How I had terminally self-avoided and self-abandoned my inner being, and how I had yelled at him, “You don’t even know who I really am!” yet had never taken the time to have a real relationship with myself.

On and on, the realizations came hard and fast. And I knew, he hadn’t treated me how I had treated him; he had treated me how I had really felt about and treated myself.

I knew that if I let go of him, healed, and came home to my inner self, I would recover. I would save my sanity, life, and soul. I knew I could heal, get better, and do better. I knew that finally my life and love could be real and work.

I knew this because in this divine intervention experience, I had been thrust into a vision in the future where I was healed and whole, and I had felt it for real. I saw who I was. I saw what I had and most importantly, I felt who I had become.

He wasn’t the healer of my wounds; he was the messenger of them instead.

I let go. I turned inward. I healed.

This I now know at the highest level of truth: A twin flame, as the nemesis who reflects back to us our unhealed parts in intensely painful ways, offers the greatest love of all—the returning home to ourselves. From there my life has blossomed, from this true relationship with myself, life, and others in ways that I could never have previously imagined.

I am love. I am self-acceptance. I am free.

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“There are moments in our lives, there are moments in a day, when we seem to see beyond the usual. Such are the moments of our greatest happiness. Such are the moments of our greatest wisdom.”  ~Robert Henri, The Art Spirit

In my twenties, I worked for a Fortune 500 company at 401 North Michigan Avenue in downtown Chicago. It was fun to work in the city, and my office overlooked Lake Michigan—I never got tired of the stunning view. Weekends were spent with friends eating at unique ethnic restaurants and visiting comedy clubs, blues bars, art galleries, museums, and theater.

Chicago is a thriving city with a vibrant cultural life. I had a great time.

I eventually went on to get a Ph.D. at the University of Chicago, and after I completed the degree, everything in my external world nudged me to “get out there and do great things.” Fellow students were receiving grants, fellowships, and prestigious tenure-track positions at major research universities. My advisor (Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, the author of Flow) was excited about my dissertation research and wanted me to publish.

Everywhere I went, freshly minted Ph.D.s were busily writing papers, interviewing, and speaking at important conferences. And if that wasn’t enough incentive, my department was being closed by the University, and administrators, faculty, and students were launching a massive fight to try to keep it open. The centerpiece of their argument was to show how their recent graduates (i.e., me…) were doing amazing, brilliant things in the world. Yikes.

I pushed myself—secluding myself away at a quiet retreat center for a week to try to focus, write a research article, and finally get serious about my academic career. My writing was stiff, contrived, and boring.

I was miserable.

So, instead of launching an illustrious academic career, I moved to the wilderness of northeast Montana.

Montana enchanted me. Everything was so different. I fell in love with the spectacular natural beauty, but also the people who were so different from anyone else I’d ever known.

There were backwoods hippies living off the grid, musicians who played on homemade instruments, unique one-of-kind handmade houses, and artists of all kinds.

I moved in with a longhaired hippy in a teepee. My dog and I could hear the wolves howl at night, and we crossed paths with bears during the day. I immersed myself in the beauty of the wild with its craggy mountains and deep dark winters.

I was far, far away from the world of exalted professional accomplishments. Here’s what happened instead.

1. I developed self-reliance.

One day a bird flew in and got stuck between windowpanes when trying to get out. Another day, a neighbor’s stray dog got his eyelid hooked on barbed wire. (Ouch!)

In the city, my go-to response was to get the nearest person to help. But here in this remote area, there were no neighbors to be called. I managed to successfully extricate both animals on my own and without harming them further.

2. I developed a wide skill set.

In rural and remote areas, by necessity, you become a generalist. I did things I never would have done had I remained in the city.

I was asked to speak at a church service. I started leading creative writing workshops at the yoga center. I was asked by an artist to write a book about her work and the local paper invited me to participate in a community forum.

3. I developed openness.

In the city, I held staunch beliefs about issues such as the need for gun control. Living in the country, I developed a deeper and more fleshed out understanding of diverse views. In rural Montana, churchgoers, new-age hippies, and hunters all mix together at the post office, grocery store, and local cafe.

My perspectives broadened. I was no longer automatically locked into a particular position. Whereas before I saw the world in stark black-and-white, I now saw shades of gray.

4. I developed leadership skills.

In the city, civic organizations can feel large and intimidating. In a rural setting, everyone pitches in.

I was asked to organize a United Way meeting. I became involved in the Rotary club. The employment agency asked me to lead a staff meeting,

5. I developed passions for different things.

I became proficient at river rafting. I spent weekends contra dancing. A band needed a bass guitar player and there was no one else around, so I volunteered to give it a try. (I loved it.)

I had no idea of the fun to be had in the country.

6. I discovered a freedom of identity.

I’d spent my life growing up in a conservative Midwestern family, then following corporate rules as a computer scientist before embarking on a rigorous Ph.D. program.

In Montana, I let myself break the rules for a while, stepping out of everything I had known and trying on something completely new and different. I discovered what it felt like to be free of roles and expectations.

A friend of mine, a massage therapist, absolutely loved her work. After several years, she decided she wanted to make more money and she made the rational decision to switch to a career in nursing. Since both professions involve healing work, she naturally believed nursing would be a good choice for her.

Years and tens of thousands of dollars later, she admits that she hates nursing. Logic doesn’t help us find our next step.

By the way, I also have a dear friend who loves being a nurse. This is not a story about nursing (or academia). It’s a story about uniqueness.

What are the unique paths that inspire each of us? What are the unique places, people, and situations that help us grow?

When we’re stuck, it’s often because our minds are dead-set focused on the direction that seems reasonable. It’s the only direction that our minds can see.

Our creative genius has a much different approach. It offers us unique, peculiar possibilities that our rational mind can’t see.

Your creative genius will take you in directions that you don’t expect and can’t predict ahead of time. Directions that aren’t a linear, incremental next step. Instead, they open up entire new worlds that you didn’t know existed.

Here’s a tip…

When you’d like to make a change, feel blocked, or frustrated that whatever you’re doing is no longer working, consciously step back and imagine opening space for possibilities you hadn’t considered. This can be a challenge—your mind may have a hard time letting go of the reins.

You are more than your thinking mind. You have another, non-cognitive creative intelligence operating in your life as well. It’s your creative genius and it’s worth listening to.

Opening space for it will give it a chance to express itself.

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